In general, I am not a supporter of helping people cope with feelings or get rid of them, but on request " how to deal with resentment I react differently than in other cases. I usually help accept and learn to express my feelings.

But the feeling of resentment stands apart from all other feelings. Its main difference for me is that it is directed at the person himself and is destructive. It is very difficult to turn resentment into a resource (as you can do with almost any other feeling). Each time, being offended, a person spends his life force, not replenishing it with anything.

Therefore, in my opinion, it is necessary to cope with the feeling of resentment.

In the first part of the article Resentment It was said about the origin and formation of a feeling of resentment and the reaction that follows it. From childhood, this feeling passes into adulthood. In general, nothing changes.

An adult is offended if:

• regards the situation as unfair
• does not have the resources to solve the problem in a constructive way
• unconsciously uses resentment as a feeling that suppresses some other
• benefits (being offended, he can manipulate the behavior of other people)

So how do you deal with resentment?

It is difficult to provide one general solution for a problem for all people, but for the initial independent research, try the following points:

1. Answer the questions

Why are you interested in the question of how to deal with resentment? Why do you want to get rid of this feeling? What does it interfere with? If there is no more resentment in your life, how will it change it?

2. Try to remember all the "forbidden" feelings in your childhood

Phrases such as “good children don’t get angry”, “hating is bad”, “you can’t envy” may come up in your memory. Who forbade them to you?

How do you deal with these feelings now? Are they still "forbidden" for you? And for other people?

If you manage to remember these phrases, then you can re-evaluate these "truths". Until now, they were so deep in the subconscious that there was no thought to question their correctness. And now you can formulate your truths, for example, “the goodness of a child has nothing to do with the feelings that he experiences”, “there are no bad or good feelings”, etc.

“If I could have any feeling that I would have in this situation?”

Why is this “forbidden” feeling so scary for you now? (If in childhood there was a fear of losing the love of significant adults, now it is ...?)

If you can figure out why you are so afraid to let your feelings out, then by dealing with these fears, you can begin to experience the full range of feelings, and not the resentment that replaces them, which will surely make you a happier person.

4. Can you identify a group of people (or situations) with whom (in which) you most often feel resentment?

Who from your childhood do these people remind you of? Why are these situations special?

If you can draw a parallel with specific people from childhood, then this will mean that you still feel like the child you were.

What to do with this understanding? Working with the Inner Child is very difficult and without the help of a psychologist, you can’t do it here. But the essence of solving the problem is to "grow" your Inner Child, help him outgrow the addiction.

5. Is there any benefit to you from resentment?

Try to objectively evaluate how other people react when you feel hurt and behave "offended".

If you see a benefit in your resentment, then first consider, “what is more valuable to you: to receive this benefit or to cope with the resentment?” If the benefit is more valuable, then you can do nothing further, since it will be pointless (no work on yourself will give results). If coping with resentment turns out to be a priority, then 1) you need to recognize and accept the fact that it is beneficial for you to be offended 2) look for ways to get what you want in other ways.

6. About justice

What do you think about this? Answer for yourself the questions that were voiced in the first part (I will duplicate them here):

• How did you know that she is?
• Someone promised you? Who? When?
• Based on the assumption of justice, how can one explain that one is born rich and healthy, the other poor and sick?
• Why does "injustice" exist for centuries? Is this "fair"?
• What function does faith in justice have for you? How does she help you? What questions does it answer?

These are just the first steps towards solving the problem. how to deal with resentment". Many questions are difficult to answer on your own. But sometimes it is enough to seriously think about the problem and begin to study it, as much becomes clear. When there is understanding, there is also the possibility of controlling previously uncontrollable situations.

Each of us, regardless of age and life experience, faced such situations when close or not so people acted in such a way that after that it became very painful. Someone had more such situations in life, someone had less, and everyone has their own story on this matter. As a result, we, as a rule, experience a very unpleasant feeling, which is called resentment, and very often it lives inside us for many years, poisoning life very much. This strong and destructive emotion, with prolonged exposure to the body, can cause significant harm to health, up to malignant neoplasms. From the point of view of energy interactions, resentment on a subconscious level is a hidden death wish for the offender, which will certainly return and eventually transform into problems in various areas of life.

That is why it is very important to learn to forgive, to get rid of the negative that happened in life and thereby make room for both positive emotions and feelings, and for joyful events in life.

Representatives of various religions, as well as numerous psychologists and teachers, speak about the importance of forgiveness. They all agree on one thing - if the offender appeared in a person's life, then this does not happen just like that, undeservedly. This means that for some reason we need to go through this difficult and painful lesson, learn to love regardless of the circumstances, learn to forgive and change something in ourselves. For example, often when women are offended by their close men, this is a sign that a woman does not love herself enough, or is so immersed in caring for others that she completely loses her true self, or she experiences subconscious, that is, implicit, aggression towards a man. Below I suggest you get acquainted with the various techniques so that you can choose the one that is right for you. It is worth mentioning that forgiveness is not an easy job, almost always you have to relive the pain that was once experienced, it is not always possible to immediately let go and forgive, but the result that you achieve by freeing yourself from this burden is worth it. You will feel freer and lighter, and life will sparkle with new colors. If there is no resentment within us, then a place is made in the heart for the creative energy of love, a person, as it were, radiates from within, and this becomes noticeable to the naked eye. If we know how to accept and forgive, then both people and ourselves become much more comfortable and joyful with ourselves.

Before you start using any method, I recommend that you take the following steps. The first is to try to understand that no matter how painful and hard it may be for us, there is something to learn in the current situation, and even if we cannot understand this yet because of strong emotions and the feeling that we were treated unfairly, that this happened with us there is a deep meaning and the opportunity to become better and qualitatively change something in your life through overcoming the test. Secondly, try to remember all those with whom you have been offended and are still offended, make a list for yourself and single out among them those with whom the strongest emotions are associated. Thus, you will have two groups of people, but choose who to forgive first for yourself: it’s easier for someone to first get rid of minor grievances and then move on to strong and painful ones, for someone it’s the other way around.

Method one. Prayer.

This tool is especially suitable for those who are close to any religion. In each of them there are prayers that can help to cope with resentment, there are saints who can be turned to for help.

Regardless of whether you belong to any religious denomination, in a temple or at home, you can simply imagine the offender in your mind and say the following words repeatedly:

With gratitude, love and God's help, I forgive you (name) and accept you completely and completely. I ask your forgiveness for hurting you with my thoughts or actions and I ask (Name) to forgive me for negative emotions, thoughts and actions towards you.

Method two. Forgiveness Meditation by renowned author Louise Hay.

Find a comfortable place where no one will disturb you. Close your eyes, if you want, you can turn on soft pleasant music, light scented candles. Relax completely, from the top of your head to your toes, try not to be distracted by extraneous thoughts and completely immerse yourself in yourself and your feelings. After you have completely relaxed, imagine that you are in a darkened theater hall. There is a small stage in front of you. You see on this stage the person who hurt you. This person may be alive or dead, and your hatred may be both in the past and in the present.

When you clearly see this person, imagine that something good is happening to him, something that is of great importance to this person. Imagine him smiling and happy. Hold this image in your mind for a few minutes and then let it disappear. Then, when the person you want to forgive leaves the stage, put yourself there. Imagine that only good things happen to you. Imagine yourself happy and smiling. And know that there is enough goodness in the universe for all of us.

This exercise dissolves the dark clouds of accumulated resentment. Some will find this exercise very difficult. Each time you make it, you can draw in the imagination of different people. Do this exercise once a day for a month and see how much easier life becomes for you.

Method three. Methodology "Forgiveness Meditation" by A. Sviyash.

Choose a person in relation to whom you will work with the thought form of your negative experiences. For example, let it be your father.

Start mentally repeating the phrase several times in a row:

With love and gratitude, I forgive my father and accept him as God created him (or: and accept him as he is). I apologize to my father for my negative thoughts, emotions and actions towards him. My father forgives me for my thoughts, emotions and actions towards him.

This formula works most effectively for erasing negative emotions in relation to living people with whom you periodically meet and experience discomfort, but can also be used for dead people. The same form is used when working with events, any phenomena, and even with Life.

With love and gratitude, I forgive my Life and accept it in all manifestations as God created it (or: and accept it as it is). I ask forgiveness from my Life for my negative thoughts, emotions and actions in relation to it. My Life forgives me for my thoughts, emotions and actions in relation to it.

This technique should be performed for each person for whom you experienced negative emotions for at least 3-4 hours in total. And for those whom you barely remember, you can get by with 20-40 minutes. When you feel warmth in the center of your chest, in most cases this will mean that you have no negative emotions left in your body in relation to this person. And try to remember all the people with whom you could have had any negative experiences.

Method four. Technique of Forgiveness by Margarita Murakhovskaya.

Imagine that you are walking down a country road. Around the flower meadow. The road divides a vast field strewn with beautiful wildflowers. You hear the buzzing of insects, the singing of the lark in the high sky. You breathe easily and calmly. You slowly move along the road. A person is walking towards you. And the closer he gets to you, the more you begin to understand that this is your father. This is your dad, only in his youth. You come up to him, take his hands and say: “Hello, daddy. Please forgive me for not being the way you wanted me to be. Thank you for everything, for what was and what was not. Daddy, I love you very much. I forgive you for everything. I forgive you for not being there when I missed you so much. I forgive you. You owe me nothing. You are free". You begin to notice how your father is turning into a small child. He is about 3 years old. You look at this baby, and you want to take him in your arms, hug him gently to yourself and say: “I love you. I love you very much". A small child turns into a tiny one, it fits in the palm of your hand. You place it with tenderness and love in your heart, in your soul. Where he feels comfortable and at ease. You take a deep breath in and out and move on. A person is walking towards you. And the closer he approaches you, the more you begin to understand that this is your mother, only in your youth. She is now as old as she gave birth to you. You come up to her and take her hands and say: Hello, mommy. Forgive me, please, for everything, for hurting you sometimes. Sorry for not living up to your expectations. And I forgive you for everything. For what was and what was not. I'm sorry that when I needed your support so much, you were not there. “I forgive you with love. Now you are free. Thank you for everything, for the fact that thanks to you I was born. Thank you for your tenderness and care.” You begin to notice how your mother is turning into a little girl of 3 years old. She is standing in front of you. You take her in your arms, press her gently to you and say: “I love you very much. You are the closest and dearest." It becomes so tiny that it fits in the palm of your hand. You place it in your heart, in your soul. Where she will be warm and comfortable.

You take a deep breath in and out and move on. In the distance you see the figure of a man. And the closer you get, the more you begin to understand that it is you. You look at yourself and say, “Well, hello. Please forgive me for everything. For always appreciating you. I really love you very much. You are the closest and dearest person to me." You begin to notice how the person in front of you becomes a three-year-old toddler. You take him in your arms, hug him to you, say: "You know, I love you, I love you very much." This wonderful baby becomes very small, it fits in your palm. You place it in your heart, in your soul, in your inner world.

Now your inner child, inner parent, inner adult is with you. These parts help you live and function effectively. You are walking down the country road again. You breathe easily and freely. You have peace of mind. And now everything in your life will be different, because you are different. You are filled with self-love and your parts are in harmony. Take a deep breath in and out and open your eyes. After you have established contact with yourself, you can work on forgiving other people according to the same scheme.

Method five. Forgiveness technique S. Gawain.

Step 1. Forgiveness and liberation of others.

Write on a piece of paper the names of all the people who you think have ever hurt you, done you wrong and unfairly. Or (and) those in relation to whom you still feel (or have experienced before) indignation, anger and other negative feelings. Next to each person's name, write what they did to you. And why are you offended by him. Then close your eyes, relax and visualize or imagine each person one by one. Have a short conversation with each of them and explain to him or her that in the past you felt anger or resentment towards him (her), but now you intend to do everything in your power to forgive them for everything. Give them your blessing and say, “I forgive you and release you. Go your own way and be happy."

When you are done with this process, write "Now I forgive and release you all" on your piece of paper and throw it away or burn it as a token that you are free from these past experiences.

The great advantage of the technique proposed by S. Gawain is that you forgive not only others, but also yourself. That is, you get rid of not only anger and resentment, but also guilt and the shame associated with it.

Step 2: Forgive and free yourself.

Now write down the names of all those whom you think you have ever hurt or wronged. Write down exactly what you did with each of them. And then close your eyes again, relax and imagine each of these people in turn. Tell him or her what you did and ask them to forgive you for it and give you their blessing. Then imagine them doing it - i.e. forgiving you.

When you're done, write down or across your piece of paper, "I forgive myself and take all the blame here, now, and forever!" Then tear up the paper and throw it away (or burn it again).

Method six. "Three-Step Exercise for Writing a Healing Letter" by E. Basse and L. Davis.

This technique gives a person the opportunity to experience support and approval, regardless of the reaction of the subject who offended him (her).

First letter.

The work begins with you writing your first letter to the abuser, in which you describe in some detail the details of the abuse, your feelings about the abuse (also in great detail), how it all affected your life. This letter may well contain demands for certain forms of retribution and/or apologies that you deem appropriate for your abuser.

Second letter.

After that, you write a second letter - the one that you think the offender could write or actually write to you if he had such an opportunity. It may state what the offender said to you during that very, memorable situation of insult. That is, it should contain the answer that you are generally afraid of.

The third and most important letter.

And now you have to write a letter in which you state the answer that you need. This is, of course, an imaginary response from the person who offended you. An answer that he could write if he wanted to take responsibility for the insult and express his regrets and remorse for what he had done. In other words, the third letter is the one that you need most of all: the letter that you, alas, have not received and are unlikely to ever receive. Therefore, it is the writing of the third letter that can become an important step in your release, since in it you can express (and receive) the apologies, feelings of support and regret that you lack so much.

Healing letters are most effective in all those cases when the person who caused the insult is out of physical reach - for any reason (for example, due to his death). In this case, the letters, as it were, complete the external and internal conflict with those who refused or did not have time to take responsibility for the insult.

Method seven. Emotionally corrective experience (by J. Rainwater).

Write down the episode that disturbed or offended you in the form of a short story written in the present tense and in the first person. Restore all the events as accurately as possible (unless, of course, they have become a serious psychological trauma for you). Restore all dialogues and describe your feelings.

Now rewrite history the way you would like it to happen. Slap the offender, go towards the pursuer and defeat him. At least somehow, but take revenge on the tormentor. Or love the person you hate.

Do whatever you want. Create new dialogues. Describe your other feelings. And come up with your own ending and denouement.

Feelings of resentment can be provoked by any situation. Most often, it occurs accidentally and unexpectedly, leaving us no time to prepare and tune in to new emotions. What is the psychology of resentment? How can I learn to deal with this unpleasant feeling?

All of us have repeatedly felt resentment, and we ourselves offended the people with whom life confronted us. This feeling does not allow you to see the world in all colors, and enjoy every day. Sometimes we are so imbued with resentment that for a long time we can not think about anything else. In some cases, only the help of a psychologist helps to “clear” the memory, to which some of us turn for advice. Human psychology and behavior are understandable: we are trying by all means to relieve this heavy burden. A visit to the doctor will give a result, but first of all, you need to try to understand what provoked the emergence of resentment, what facts prevent you from coping with it on your own, and not let this feeling develop into a mental illness.

Resentment causes significant harm to health. It can cause serious diseases, as it gnaws a person from the inside. But you just need to learn to forgive, live for today and understand that none of us can change the past. Such is the psychology of life, and we can only accept it.

Psychology of resentment: natural state or resentment

Resentment is a response to events or actions of people whose behavior and words are not acceptable to us. We cannot completely get rid of the feeling of hostility. The main thing is that the emotion does not develop into a chronic form and does not turn into resentment.

Like many other character traits, resentment is formed in childhood. The child that lives in each of us is responsible for our emotions. It was in childhood that we could pout and turn away from everyone, openly demonstrating resentment. Adults try to keep everything “inside” and not show others their condition.

Some people are used to solving all their problems very easily. They simply splash them out on others, charging with positive emotions and energy, watching what kind of resentment others experience.

Others drive this emotion into themselves. They always smile, enjoy life, despite all the hardships and unfair attitude of people. Such behavior can cause deep depression, as resentment is driven into the subconscious, and does not splash out.

A single feeling of resentment is quite natural. But touchiness should alert you, and you need to get rid of it by any means. It will not allow you to live a full life, will negatively affect relationships with people, harm your health and significantly lower your self-esteem.

The most important thing is to learn to respond adequately to any negative, to try to use not emotions, but the mind. This is exactly what all mature individuals do, whose psychology of behavior commands respect. A deep feeling can cloud the mind, but a phrase such as: “What you say is very painful for me to hear” will help in resolving the conflict. The interlocutor will have to think and try to explain his position, the reason for his behavior. If you are talking with a reasonable person, and not with an egoist, then he will repent and feel remorse.

Try to always find out the cause of the offense. If you are often overwhelmed with negative emotions, then you need to work on yourself. Try to look inside yourself and deal with your emotions. After all, most often we ask: “Why did they do this to me?”. Or maybe you should ask another question: “Why do I get irritated so quickly?”. A deep study of human psychology helps to solve many problems.

Some people engage in emotional "violence," replacing resentment with joy and carelessness. By suppressing our natural emotions, we do not get rid of the problem, but drive it deep inside. It remains in the subconscious and causes depressive states. So you need to look for reasons and solve them, and not try to show others with the help of carelessness that everything is fine with you.

Don't be afraid to talk to people about your feelings and experiences. Only in this way will they be able to understand you, your desires, and the psychology of behavior. Opening our inner world to others and to ourselves, we rethink what happened, get rid of feelings of resentment, and maybe even prevent the occurrence of unwanted situations.

By fitting all people to our own rules and ideas, we spoil our lives. There is no need to place high hopes on others. People cannot be the same: they differ in characters, behavior, and it is not surprising that relations with some do not develop in the best way. They don't have to love you and treat you well. You can't please everyone. If you understand this, then over time you will be able to deal with the surging resentment much easier and faster or not let it into your heart at all.

When someone tries to intentionally offend you, do not respond in kind. Don't be a puppet and don't imitate others. Do everything so that offensive words do not fly off your lips, and emotions of anger do not appear on your face. Believe me, next time, these people will no longer have the desire to "hurt you to the quick."

We find out the relationship with the offender in writing

The science of psychology helps us understand many issues, take a different look at solving problems, and rethink our behavior. If a feeling of resentment does not allow you to fully live, then psychologists advise getting rid of it by communicating with the offender in the form of a letter.

Left alone, take a piece of paper and a pen, collect your thoughts and start writing. Your message may be saturated with anger, insults and claims. You can fully open up and express all your claims. No need to hold back: throw out aggression, anger and all the negativity that does not allow you to live normally. Nobody but you will see this letter, which means you can not be afraid to say too much.

Having finished pouring out your soul, stay alone a little more, rethink the situation, calm the seething thoughts. And you will feel a surge of energy and long-awaited lightness. Such is the psychology of a person freed from negativity.

Resentment is the feeling we feel when we feel we have been treated unfairly. As a rule, such situations can be considered from several points of view. For example, the director fired an employee who was rude to several clients. From the point of view of the director, the punishment is deserved. But the employee is likely to think differently, because his wife is sick, and his son has serious problems at school, in addition, there is not enough money, that is, there are enough reasons to be irritable.

Thus, resentment arises when an adult (teacher, director, parent) and a child (who is not responsible for himself) come into contact. For example, a child wants a puppy, but the parent does not satisfy this desire.

Taking into account that there is a child inside each of us, full of different desires, needs, ideas, any impossibility to realize them will turn into an insult to life, people around, God, fate.

There are a lot of "offensive" things in life. First, the child leaves the cozy and safe mother's womb and enters a noisy, dangerous world. Then his mother's breast is taken away from him, he is sent to a kindergarten where there is no mother. Thus, we all have to go through many traumas. And if at an early age the parents were affectionate, attentive, patient with the child, but at the same time firm, then in the future it will be much easier for a person to experience new grievances.

How to stop being offended?

1. Admit that you are offended. Denying the offense, you will not get rid of it. The result may be physical malaise (psychosomatic disorder). And systematic ignoring will lead to chronic diseases.

2. Analyze the situation. Put the situation on the shelves, look at it from different points of view. You need to understand what exactly offended you. For example, returning to the above situation, the director did not take into account the difficult circumstances of the offending employee.

3. Be a good parent to yourself. Sympathize, console yourself, allow yourself to get angry, cry. You need to "digest" the insult.

4. Having come to terms with the real situation, think about what to do next.

Unfortunately, sometimes resentment is too persistent, and no tricks can help. Or hurtful situations arise so often that it is impossible to cope with them. This is usually due to the fact that in childhood a person received insufficient help when it was necessary to cope with emotions. Therefore, it is more difficult for a touchy person to seek help from a psychotherapist. Hold on to the adult inside you and take the offended child inside to the reception.

Carrying resentment in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting it to be bad for another person: you only poison yourself. Although you may think that your feelings are completely justified and the person may have really hurt you deeply, it's always best to let it go. If you are ready to let go of the shackles of resentment, know that there are many ways to work through these painful emotions.

Steps

Part 1

Understand your emotions . Be honest with yourself about the emotions you feel about the situation. Ask yourself if this resentment is related to some pain from the past, perhaps it has nothing to do with this person or situation in the present. Acknowledge your anger or resentment, but don't get stuck in it.

Practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the ability to accept life as it is, to accept and not resist things that you cannot change. Even though we don't want to experience pain, we don't have to suffer. By saying, "This is not fair" or "I don't deserve this," you are denying the reality of your situation and refusing to accept the truth as it is at this moment.

Meditate. The practice of meditation is extremely beneficial. Meditation can increase positive emotions, reduce stress, help you develop a sense of compassion, and work through feelings of anger and resentment, replacing them with empathy and compassion. The more you practice meditation, the more benefits you get.

Practice empathy. It can be difficult to accept the other person's point of view when you are just seething with anger. However, if you show empathy for the person who hurt you, you can shed light on the situation and lessen your pain. The more empathy you experience, the less of a role resentment plays in your life.

• Remember that you make mistakes too, but you still want to be accepted. Remember that all people crave acceptance, although everyone has their own problems.
• Try to see the situation through the other person's eyes. What happened to this person? Perhaps he experienced certain life difficulties, which led to the fact that he exploded? Realize that each person has personal issues to deal with, and sometimes those issues seep into other relationships.

1. Love yourself unconditionally. No one can give you a constant feeling of love and acceptance, except for yourself. Remind yourself that you are a valuable and attractive person. Chances are if you have high standards for others, you have high standards for yourself. Are you extremely hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Slow down and remind yourself that you can and should always love and accept yourself.

   Part 2

   How to overcome resentment

   1. Avoid revenge. Although thoughts of revenge may come to your mind and you may even have begun to make your own plan, don't go for it. Revenge is a way of expressing a desire for justice, but the desire for justice can lead to more injustice if the cycle of revenge continues. When you feel the urge to get back at someone, understand that your feelings are a way to deal with loss of trust.

   2. Moderate your expectations of others. Remember that no one person can satisfy all your needs. If you think a partner, friend, or family will meet all your needs, think again. High expectations will lead to failure.

      • Resentment can also arise when expectations are not communicated clearly. Discussing expectations and desires will help clarify existing problems and avoid problems in the future.
      • Be clear about your expectations for the people in your life. Come to terms with people about standards and your expectations in a relationship.

   3. Use sentences with “I” in the discussion. When you discuss your hurt with someone, don't rush to put all the blame on them. It is better to talk about your own feelings and experiences. You can't tell another person what their motivation was or why they did this or that, because you can't make such a reprehensible decision for another person. It is better to focus on yourself, your resentment and your experiences.

      • Instead of saying, “You ruined our relationship and I will never forgive you!” try saying, “What you did hurts me so much and it’s hard for me to forget about it.”

   4. Let people make mistakes. Sometimes it can be difficult to admit that you yourself are not perfect, that you too have blind spots and do not always respond to situations in the most constructive way. This applies to every inhabitant of the planet Earth. Just as you want people to forgive you for your mistakes, show the same courtesy to the people in your life. Remember that the person who hurt you is imperfect and sometimes acts based on limiting beliefs or distorted perceptions.

      • Accepting that people make mistakes doesn't mean that you justify their behavior. It simply means that you allow yourself to see the person's experience and situation in order to help you understand them better.

   5. Surround yourself with positive people. Let the people in your life be positive people who support you and let you make your own decisions. These are the people who allow you to make mistakes but still support you. Your friends should be honest with you, should be able to show you a new way of looking at things when you're stuck, should be able to tell you when you're overreacting.

      • Good friends will accept you no matter the mistakes you make, and being a good friend means accepting others when they make mistakes.