To overcome the feeling of resentment associated with it. I strongly recommend that you read it before reading this one.

In a nutshell, let's remember what we were talking about. The wrong solutions are:

1. Hold a grudge
2. Cry to friends/family
3. Look for external solutions

Now, starting from an understanding of what cannot be done and why, you can start a conversation about what to do next.

How to deal with resentment after a breakup

From what I wrote in the first part of the article, a controversial story may develop. On the one hand, it is impossible to keep emotions in oneself, and on the other hand, it is also not recommended to pour out this negativity on other people.

Accordingly, we need an approach that would allow us to express and become aware of our emotions at the same time, and at the same time would not involve other people. The ideal solution, which is also advised by many psychologists in articles on this topic, is write down your emotions on paper. This is the first step.

Step 1: Write out your emotions

It is not necessary to take paper and a pen - a text editor will also work. In this work, you have several important tasks:

1. Describe in as much detail as possible your resentment from parting.
2. Describe possible reasons for your emotions
3. Describe all the decisions you made in connection with the breakup
4. Throw out any negativity (swearing is appropriate)
5. Write down any thoughts about the breakup that came up in the process of writing out the previous points.

Note that this is exactly what you do with your female friends when you meet them with the desire to console yourself with their company. You describe exactly what happened, describe your emotions, make some decisions, splash out any negativity, express any thoughts about it. If you find it difficult to write down all these things, imagine that you are in a circle of friends who are ready to support you in every possible way and justify your emotions. What will you tell them about how you feel?

The advantage of writing out your emotions, as opposed to shedding bitter tears to friends, is that such work forces you to be more aware. When you break the bones of someone in the company of friends, you - ready to bet - never Don't ask yourself, "Why am I feeling these emotions?"

At the same time, if you pay attention to the second point, you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write out not only what is on your mind, but also your guesses about the cause of your emotions. It's okay if it's difficult at first - if you work seriously and systematically (more on that at the end of the article), then this skill - to recognize your emotions and the reasons for their occurrence - will be worked out automatically.

Well, let's say you made the decision to sit down at the computer and properly paint your emotions “on the shelves” - albeit clumsily. What to do next?

… you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write out … the causes of your emotions.

There should have been Step 2, but we have to pause a little. Before proceeding to further actions, I have to ask you, dear reader, why are you here at all?

What does it mean to you to let go of resentment? Does this mean discarding the negative and moving on with your life, without fooling yourself because of a recent breakup? Or does this mean eliminating the resentment that has settled in the subconscious so that such episodes do not arise in the future?

If you choose the first, then you need advice on short term overcoming resentment. You just need to do something now so as not to suffer, and then life will get better on its own. If this is about you, then here it is, Step 2:

Step 2. Do Nothing

Everyone, congratulations! All necessary work has been done. You have already written out your negative emotions. You met with them face to face, which already prevented them from settling in the subconscious a little. You may even have learned something new about yourself. Not only that, you managed not to confuse anyone with your negativity, it's great!

Why is there nothing more to be done? Because if you are a mentally healthy person, your pain from resentment cannot be felt. sharply too long. Your mind will protect itself by “shoveling” your resentment deeper into the subconscious so that you can move on with your life. No wonder the wisdom says "Time heals" ...

Over time, the suffering from resentment will stop, and the pain of parting will subside. You will be able to live as you lived before, and maybe even better. You may find yourself a new partner - or maybe not. Howbeit, clearly you will not suffer from a recent breakup. In extreme cases, if it was so painful that it plunged you into the abyss of depression for six months, then in 10 years you will remember it with a pang, but no more. Even if so - as they remembered, they forgot. Life will provide you with plenty of opportunities to take your mind off your negative emotions.

Therefore, once again - a piece of paper and a pen in your hands, write out the negative, and there will be happiness.

Well, what if a person suddenly stumbled upon this article, who for some reason was dissatisfied with the advice above? What if it seems to him that anyway something is wrong here, and that the solution is inferior? What if there is a feeling that even if the resentment has subsided, it will definitely still appear? What if already fed up experience the same negative emotions from time to time, each time to be comforted by something, and then again get into situations where these emotions arise, again suffer from them, again be consoled, and so on?

If you are such a person, then I am sincerely glad, because in fact, my site is designed for people like you. Just for those who have already realized that you can’t get away from resentment. That she is like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, several more will grow - just give a reason. And life will give you reasons to be offended! The only question is - how will you react to them?

Resentment ... like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, several more will grow - just give a reason.

If your work on your resentment is limited to writing out emotions or comforting your circle of friends, you will never get rid of resentment. IN long-term period, she will definitely return.

But if you recognize this and see the need to systematically eliminate all your resentments and the causes of them, then you are ready to ensure that resentment is removed in long-term period. And to get rid of it, you need to work out. That is, simply saying something to do with it - not just writing out its reasons on a piece of paper. And working through not only one episode of resentment from one breakup is just the beginning.

Getting rid of the oppression of one painful episode of your life is still not enough to free yourself from resentment forever. Suppose a man is reading these lines now. Do you think your relationship with your mother as a child does not determine your relationship with women now? Also how it is determined. Do you think that the resentment that you may have felt from the first unrequited feelings (ah, school :) does not determine your reactions to the behavior of women now? Also how it is determined. And what about all your beliefs about women - can your emotional reactions be conditioned by them? For sure.

What am I getting at? Long-term deliverance from resentment involves a systematic study all their grievances, all their past emotional traumas, all their causes, all the negative emotions you experience all the decisions you made against the background of your grievances, all relationships that you had all beliefs about relationships that you have. In essence, you will have to shovel all the contents of your mind and massively eliminate from it all the causes of resentment. Only then will you truly be free of it.

Are you ready for this kind of work? If not, no big deal. Again, you have already dealt with the resentment of parting, and life will get better on its own, over time.

But if your decision to stop being a victim of your emotions has gained sufficient strength, and you are ready for a systematic work to eliminate all your grievances, and you want no more separations to bring you suffering, then the next step is to acquire a system for processing the contents of your mind. All those things two paragraphs above must be eliminated from the subconscious, and for this we need an appropriate system of work on ourselves.

Step 2.0 Arm yourself with an internal processing system

There are many such systems. But ours should have a number of parameters. She must be least:

1. Powerful, that is, it must work with all the contents of the subconscious at once. What good is it for us to work out one youthful insult if it is only one of the thousands that we have had in our lives. No, we need to work through everything at once.
2. Fast, that is, we are reluctant to delve into our minds for years, looking for the causes of grievances. We need to see tangible results within a few months.
3. Simple, that is, it should not require special knowledge and skills. So that it can be used not only by psychologists.
4. efficient, that is, the results should be felt. There should be a shift in the emotional background towards positive feelings, there should be less reaction to people, there should be less limiting beliefs that somehow negatively affect behavior, and so on.

Since my site is focused on people who are ready for systematic work, then I provide all the necessary tools to work on myself. The system of internal study that I am talking about is called Turbo-Gopher, and you can familiarize yourself with it on the Main page of the site, and you can also subscribe to the newsletter on the intricacies of its application in the form at the bottom of this page. I simply do not want to repeat myself here, so the article turned out to be rather big :).

Step 3. Work through

Is there an intention to eliminate garbage from the head? Is there a willingness to work? Do you have all the necessary tools for the job? Then forward and with the song. The best time to start changing is the present moment :).

Harmless totals

The bottom line is that you have to ask yourself what you want. If you want a short-term, quick, yet superficial solution to dealing with resentment after a breakup, I recommend that you go to Step 2. If you want a solution that is long-term and effective, but requires little systematic effort from you, then I advise you to go to Step 2.0. Whatever you choose will be fine, I promise :).

Resentment is one of the destructive human qualities. We often use this tool as a defensive reaction, a way to make the offender feel guilty, or as a manipulative technique. We get to know him already in childhood, imitating the reactions of adults. Over time, we begin to take offense more and more unconsciously. It is not possible to gain control over our own experiences, even when we are building a relationship with another person. Behind the constant feeling of resentment in a relationship there is always a whole range of negative emotions - about how to deal with them, I will discuss further.

What is this feeling and how does it happen

Resentment is often a form of unrealized aggression. When you are angry or upset because of someone's words or actions, but due to certain circumstances you cannot give vent to these emotional outbursts, a block is triggered inside, turning the unexpressed into a pressing sediment.

Vulnerability is a consequence of self-doubt. If you are firmly confident in your thoughts, words, actions, know how to work correctly with criticism and not take subjective assessments to heart, know about your strengths and weaknesses and work with them, any attempts to hook you will not be taken seriously.

Another option for what is hiding behind resentment is unjustified expectations. This is often seen in relationships when we expect one thing from a partner, but we get something completely different. At the same time, we do not voice our true desires in time and do not discuss them.

The danger of these feelings lies in the fact that they are able to firmly and permanently gain a foothold inside us. Accumulated, unclosed experiences due to trifles, in the end, can result in a much greater negative, and it will be simply impossible to stop this destructive force.

Why a person is offended: signs of strong resentment

Main reasons:

• Makes people too high demands that they do not meet. Such offended people have poorly developed empathy, they do not try to take the place of another person, understand what motives he follows and what he experiences. His interlocutor simply does not have the right to make a mistake, so it is perceived as a disaster.
• Is in the state of a child or a victim, feels weak, sees no way to influence the situation. This is a very convenient model of behavior, involving the complete removal of responsibility and shifting the blame to another. Admitting your mistake is much more difficult than blaming your neighbor for everything.
• It happens that a person has been rejected so often that he has forgotten how to ask for help or talk about his desires, although they do not disappear anywhere, but turn into silent expectations. Such people try to cope with everything on their own, but on a subconscious level they are waiting for someone to take the initiative and give them support. To voice the fact that they need help means to demonstrate their own weakness and lack of independence. Quiet, unspoken demands and reproaches turn into unreasonable resentment: what to do with it is not easy to figure out.

Resentment is a dangerous trait. It is always associated with certain illusions that arise in our minds: our feelings are not taken into account, we are not thought of, we are treated cruelly. We tend to think for others based on our own experience.

Meeting a person, starting to build a relationship with him, we create in our imagination an amazing picture of a joint future. Girls are waiting for flowers, romance and attention, and in response they hear: “In my opinion, this is nonsense and a stupid waste of money.” How so? Doesn't he want to make me happy?!

The roots of human resentment in psychology: what is it, resentment, and how to deal with it

Vulnerability is a consequence of deep mental trauma. Such behavior is characteristic of the owners of an inferiority complex, self-doubt, low self-esteem and inability to take responsibility. Needless to say, all this greatly hinders the development of harmonious relations.

Touchy people are constantly in the expectation that they will be helped, make them happier, do what they see fit and right, and are very worried if someone does not fit into the desired. But is your emotional state, happiness and comfort really the responsibility of another person?

Is it necessary to fight it

You decide. Remember that understatement and unhealed wounds make it difficult to perceive the words of others constructively, hinder the ability to love. If you don't learn to manage your emotions, they will take over. Think about how long a loved one can endure the constant guilt that you impose on him.

Why there is resentment towards loved ones

Have you noticed that rudeness thrown to outsiders is not taken as seriously as if the same thing is said by someone to whom we are not indifferent? We make great demands on those who become the object of our emotional attachment, subconsciously believing that they must guess our desires and fulfill them.

Consequences of vulnerability

In addition to frequent conflicts, quarrels that lead to a breakdown in relationships, offended people expose their bodies to constant stress. Nobody canceled psychosomatics, so any negativity that we accumulate inside can ultimately result in the development of serious diseases. Unwilling or unable to forgive, we occupy our thoughts with self-pity, accusations and anger. Definitely, this prevents you from enjoying life, creates a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, becomes a cause of irritability and nervousness.

How to learn not to be offended by loved ones

The first thing to do when you feel this emotion is to acknowledge it. You can understand the situation and correct it only if you accept what is bothering you and voice it. Try to put yourself in the place of the one who hurt you. Did he really want it? Is he aware of what he said or did? Often we think out and take too close to heart what actually has no direct relation to us. Perhaps your husband responded to you abruptly because he is in a bad mood due to problems at work. Everyone has different values, priorities and pictures of the world.

Remember that you yourself are tired, sleepy, forgetful and inattentive - anything can happen in your head and in life. And you are not always ready to consciously control your state, reaction and behavior.

Learn to catch yourself in the moment of approaching negative emotions and ask clarifying questions to the alleged offender. Understand if he really wanted to hurt you, or if you are just making unreasonable conclusions about his words.

Understand why you are offended by everything and how to avoid it

Increase your emotional intelligence and awareness. Try starting a mood diary, stopping periodically and noticing:

• What do you feel now?
• Why did this feeling arise?

Write down the answers to these questions and, in this way, collect a collection of moments that affect your condition.

Develop positive thinking, learn to have fun and turn into a joke any conscious and unconscious attempts to offend you. Keep it simple and let people make mistakes. Farewell. You will see - life will become much more pleasant.

How to ignore trifles and not look for reasons for resentment in life: value your time

To be offended means to spend a lot of nerves and energy on fruitless thoughts, self-pity. Let your mind be occupied with more important things: a good job, the desire to have a good time with your loved one, a hobby. If you find a free moment to get angry and offended, then you can find a place in the schedule for creation.

go in for sports

Switch your head from negativity to inner and outer transformations. Physical activity fills the body with vigor, improves mood and helps free the mind from unnecessary thoughts.

read books

Enrich your inner world. Resentment, from the point of view of my psychology, is a feature of insecure people who often feel resentment, including at themselves. To develop confidence, you need to constantly grow above yourself, develop, expand the boundaries of the worldview.

Right Society

Pay attention to those with whom you communicate most often. How do these people influence you? Are you benefiting from this communication? Minimize contact with those who are often offended and condemn others. Think about how you can expand the environment by filling your space with successful, positive, developing people.

How to get rid of resentment towards a man and not be touchy

Talk about what's bothering you, don't be silent

Do not put off solving the problem for later. A good opportunity may not present itself, and negative emotions pile up like a snowball. At the same time, when speaking about your feelings, be delicate, not demanding, in order to prevent a scandal from arising.

Explain to your loved one what exactly caused your frustration or anger. Forget about the fact that he himself must guess everything. His world does not revolve around you - accept this fact and realize your man as a separate person with his "cockroaches".

It can be hard to get along at first, but that's the point of building a relationship. Over time, you will see that you can stop many conflicts from arising with a simple conversation started at the right time.

Do not argue, but look for a common solution

Often a woman does not understand how to cope with resentment and anger at her husband, because he is principled and does not share her opinion. Men tend to want to prove their case at all costs, even if they changed their position during the dispute. Don't get emotional. Calmly explain to your opponent that you do not want to swear, and the purpose of this conversation is to come to a compromise. Be sure to let him know that you hear and accept his point of view.

Set communication rules

If you are offended by your spouse's rude behavior, do not try to change it, but agree on certain boundaries together. Surely, he also has something to “present” to you. Promise that you will take a step towards him and will work on your touchiness, offer to leave work outside the house (if this is the reason for his bad mood). Discuss common norms in different areas of life. After that, you no longer have to explain to your husband what hurt you - just remind him of the concluded contract.

Forgive old grudges

Organize an evening when you together carefully discuss everything that has accumulated inside. It is important to initially set the correct vector for the development of the conversation, to set the man up for the fact that you came in peace. Don't blame in any way. Tell us how you feel and ask if he had the same feeling? Perhaps you, too, once stumbled?

Find a mutual way to let off steam

Come up with a kind of ritual that will help you not keep annoyance inside. Make a special pillow for whipping, cover yourself and scream in the room - it can be anything (depending on the nature and temperament of your relationship). Having got rid of unnecessary emotions, it will be easier for you to conduct a constructive dialogue.

How to deal with strong feelings of resentment and betrayal of a man

Every person has something that he cannot forgive. For example, betrayal, deceit. It is important to identify these boundaries already at the initial stage of building relationships in order to avoid misunderstandings and the formation of silent expectations in the future.

10 tips from psychologist Daria Milay to get rid of resentment

• Never make big decisions while in this state.
• First, answer yourself: what exactly offended you, why it could happen and why you are unable to react differently. Only after that tell the offender about your experiences.
• To remove the first emotions, take any object that will personify the person who offended you, and express everything that has boiled over.
• If it's too hard to discuss a problem, write a letter. It is not necessary to show it to the addressee afterwards - feel free to pour out everything that worries you on paper.
• Use "I-Model" in dialogue. Instead of the accusatory "You hurt me!" say "I was very upset because of your words / actions." The accused will always defend himself, and in the second case, you simply offer to hear you out.
• Try to put yourself in the place of the offender. Think about what might have driven them. Perhaps he is also on emotions, and now you should not take his remarks seriously?
• Mentally express gratitude to the one who was offended. He opened before you a large area of ​​growth and work on yourself.
• Don't berate yourself for being offended. They belong to everyone.
• Realize and accept that no one has to live up to your expectations.
• Boost your self-esteem. Self-confident people do not accept negativity and are able to weed out valuable and not worthy of attention information.

Conclusion

Let me summarize a little. What to do if you suddenly feel offended:

• Get to the bottom of the true emotions that you are experiencing (what is it - sadness, anger, disappointment?
• Understand if your feelings are connected with the fact that internally you agree with the offender, but do not want to accept it.
• In no case do not accumulate negativity in yourself - solve problems quickly and set boundaries in communication.
• Don't make the person feel guilty, but gently point out the mistake.
• Farewell and breathe deeply!

If you don’t understand how to deal with resentment towards your husband, get rid of it and vulnerability, overcome resentment with the help of psychology and stop being offended by everyone, sign up for mine and get answers to your burning questions. Together we will find the true causes of the problem and draw up a plan to solve it.

As the famous Sigmund Freud used to say, almost all of our problems, complexes and other troubles have their roots in childhood, that is, all this develops in childhood under the influence of various negative factors. Young children begin to get acquainted with the feeling of resentment somewhere from the age of two.

Until this age, babies may feel anger, but not resentment. Children often adopt this emotion from their elders and begin to manipulate adults with the help of their grievances. Together with you, we will figure out where grievances come from and how to compete with them?

This emotion arises when there is a situation of discrepancy between the expected behavior of a person and his real act. Thus, the feeling of resentment includes three aspects:

• setting expectations;
• observation of actions;
• juxtaposition of aspirations and reality.

Simply put, we expect understanding from a partner or friend, some actions in our direction, but do not tell him about it.

And we even ate and say that we firmly believe that a person will do exactly as we ask, regardless of their own desires and capabilities.

Of course, in a family and relationships, we all, without exception, expect love, respect, care. But, importantly, for some reason we are in no hurry to talk about our desires.

Moreover, we have a relationship model firmly in our head (based on the parental family or series and ladies' novels), not realizing that our partner may have a different relationship model in his mind.

But if you think about it, this model of behavior is fundamentally wrong! After all, no one owes anyone anything!

It is very stupid to devote your life to a person, forgetting about yourself. It just means that you don't value yourself, and you won't get anything out of the relationship. So it turns out that all our lives we have been waiting for something from a person who, in principle, cannot give us this!

Resentment against loved ones

All worthwhile relationships have only one future - bright and beautiful. Everything good that we get in a relationship, we should appreciate as a gift.

It is not so easy to offend us to strangers, but it is very easy for a close person. After all, we do not expect anything from an outsider, and therefore we are not angry. But casually thrown rudeness or a caustic remark from a loved one hurts very much.

Roots of resentment

Undoubtedly, some deep emotional trauma always “sits” at the root of resentment. Often an inferiority complex is to blame. Constant self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to take responsibility - all this only complicates your relationship with loved ones.

This is the eternal expectation that you will suddenly be appreciated, that you will be helped to do something for you. When it doesn't, you get very upset.

You can of course hold other people responsible for your happiness and success. But then these people will always influence your mood and attitude. Your happiness is only in your hands, do not put it in the hands of others.

Is it necessary to fight it

Don't think that these are just big words. Internal grievances, like unhealed wounds, do not allow us to love and live life to the fullest, lead to diseases and even death.

Make a choice right now, once they forever take life into their own hands. Manage your resentment completely, do not let this emotion control you. It is like a poison that eats away at your being.

Being able to manage your emotions is an indisputable advantage of a person at any time. We have selected for you ten most effective practices for getting rid of this destructive emotion, exercising in which you will gradually cope with it.

Pull yourself together and never make serious decisions in a state of resentment. Know how to take control of your emotions.

Running and hitting back the offender is not the best option. Take his photograph, and if not, a soft toy or pillow. Imagining that this object is the offender who appeared before you - speak out to him.

Explain in detail what specifically touched you and did not suit you. This task will teach you to clearly and clearly indicate what you want and what you don’t want at all.

Take an object (a soft toy, for example) and imagine that your offender is in front of you. Express all your pain and bitterness through the physical impact on this subject. If you want to cry - feel free to shed tears!

If speaking out is a problem for you, just write a letter to the offender. Pour on paper what you think about the situation that hurts you. After passing this practice, the letter can be destroyed.

Learn to conduct a constructive dialogue, without unnecessary emotions and insults. In a conversation with the offender, you should not use "you-messages", but the "I-message" model. That is, do not tell the interlocutor: “You offended me!”. Tell the person who offended you: “I am very offended, your words (actions) upset me very much.”

After all, if a person is accused of something, he begins to defend himself. But if you say everything that you feel, perhaps the offender will be imbued and think about his behavior.

Put yourself in the place of the offender, perhaps he does this unconsciously. Or they just don't pay attention to their actions. It is even possible that this person has become accustomed to this behavior pattern since childhood.

Oddly enough, you can say "Thank you!" to your offender. After all, he revealed your weaknesses, and now you have something to work on.

It may sound silly, but you need to forgive yourself for being offended. Forgive yourself and it will get easier.

Try to understand once and for all that the actions of people, for the most part, are neither good nor bad.

Go over in your mind all your acquaintances and friends, are there people among them who are never offended? Why do you think they are so persistent? And the thing is that these people are very self-confident, their self-esteem is simply impenetrable for insults. These people are the masters of their lives, they do not depend on others, but rely only on themselves.

So how do you deal with resentment?

• do not smack a fever - do not solve important issues in a state of anger;
• if grievances are your regular guests, consider why this is happening. You may have self-esteem issues. Of course, you won't solve it in one day. But when you become more confident in yourself, the offenders around will decrease for sure;
• do not accumulate resentment in yourself, because they can become the causes of diseases and disorders. Forgive the offense and live life to the fullest!

Almost all of us sometimes experience resentment, someone more often, someone less often.

Sometimes a feeling of resentment creeps in quite imperceptibly, as if whispering something from the inside.

And sometimes it covers with a big wave, which can demolish on its way.

With the help of 7 mindfulness tools that help you find the cause and quickly get rid of the need to be offended.

So what to do?

1. Get out of the “I am a victim” state.

When we say “I was offended”, as if we were declaring that I was offended, someone else is to blame for what is happening. There is an emotional reaction caused by the displeasure of the other person. And this is shifting responsibility to another, in fact - the state of the victim.

So instead of "I'm offended," say "I'm offended." By doing this, you take responsibility for the feeling that has arisen and can already work with it.

Is it easy to say? But with a little practice and easy to do! - When you are offended, you internally shrink, you often become small and insignificant, as if nothing depends on you, everyone around you turns into offenders.

Express it with your body - just contract on the inhale, close completely, do it very, very strongly, and with the exit, straighten up, straighten your shoulders, straighten up, inhale deeply, say “I am not a victim, I am responsible for my internal state, for myself , my life and my reality, I am the creator! If necessary, repeat several times: quickly shrink, as if being offended, then quickly open up, showing a different state - creation and responsibility for your creations.

Whom you choose to be at such a moment - a victim or a creator - your will and your responsibility.

2. Look at yourself through the eyes of the offender

TOEvery person sees this world from his bell tower and very often unable to see the whole picture and understand other people's point of view. We tend to think that we are right, and others are not. Is it logical?

Therefore, if we try to take the position of another, try to understand or simply see the situation through the eyes of another, why the other did it, what prompted it, we can see the whole picture as a whole, and not just from our own bell tower - from the position “I am right”. And often it becomes ridiculous, illogical and generally unnecessary to be offended.

After all, we are offended by parents, wives, husbands, friends, people in general, by some situations ... simply because they had no time, because they saw the situation in their own way, forgot to do something, or were not in the mood, or left unspoken, misunderstood something, or even to life for the fact that situations do not turn out the way we want.

Well, what's to be offended by? We are all living people, we can all forget, get tired, say something different, hurt, not cope with emotions ...

You can learn how to work with your emotional states, including resentment, at the lessons of the free introductory course “.”

3. Ask “What am I missing now? what exactly do I want now? – and give it to yourself.

Often behind the resentment there is a desire to get something, a lack of something, which can be completely filled with the help of resentment - attention, love, understanding, etc. It is easy enough to manipulate resentment, making someone guilty and demanding that he do something. then for you. Inside, the mechanism is often prescribed: "I will be offended - I will get something."

But! 1x, you can ask others for what you need directly; 2x, you can give yourself what you need yourself. - This is already an adult position, when you can take care of yourself without shifting responsibility to anyone.

4. Separate the childish part of yourself from the adult and give your childish part love and protection.

Most often, being offended is a childish condition, it is a wounded inner child who lacks something and asks for help. So help him - find this part in yourself, your inner child, understand what his wound or injury was, hug, say “I am here, I am nearby, I will take care of you, you are under my protection, I love you very much” .

5. Tell yourself “Stop. I don't want to poison myself."

The brain sends a signal to the body, to produce certain hormones, to increase blood flow ..., - starts chemical reaction in the body. It’s just that resentment is quite toxic, it flows into the body like a slow poison, and if there is a lot of it, then this can completely undermine health or some vital function in the body.

If resentment destroys me first of all, it poisons my body, my thoughts, my state as a whole, is it worth being offended? Does it serve my good? Or at least I should consider whether I want to poison myself in this way or choose something else?

6. Ask yourself "What do I really feel?".

Often behind the insult there is anger, anger, a feeling of injustice, a desire to defend oneself, acute dissatisfaction with the situation, etc. But it is not customary to express anger and anger, you cannot stamp your feet, shout loudly, express your disagreement, create a conflict ... But it is quite possible to be offended.

If there are completely different emotions behind the resentment, acknowledge them and allow yourself to let them out, at least in private.

7. Change your habitual way of responding.

If resentment is your usual reaction: you said something - you were offended, often without even understanding why, then it is important to cultivate a new habit - instead of being offended, for example, take a few deep breaths, switch your attention, start building funny faces and laugh… You can ask where this resentment is in the body and breathe “this place”. I usually start doing a little exercise, even if I'm sitting, it quickly helps to remove this charge in the body.

The most important thing here is not to suppress the emerging emotion of resentment, not to shove it inside, namely to switch your attention and action to something else. In order not to stick to the offense, but having understood the usual way of responding, replace it with something else.

As you can see resentment as a signal , showing "there is something!", "Pay attention to me." And at such moments, instead of plunging into its pool and stewing in it, sorting out the behavior of the offender, how bad he/she is and what is to blame, you should turn your attention to yourself and figure it out with yourself: “why am I behaving like this?” way? what is my benefit? and what motivates me?

And at this moment you can see that it is beneficial for you to feel this way, this feeling gives you something, because it supports internal trauma, belief, emotion, the state of sacrifice, etc. And I hope that with the help of the proposed tools of awareness you will realize this reason and quickly free yourself from the need to respond to something with the help of resentment.

How do you deal with resentment? Which of the proposed methods will you take to your piggy bank of actions? - Share in the comments below!

Good luck in everything, Evgenia Medvedeva

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Each of us, regardless of age and life experience, faced such situations when close or not so people acted in such a way that after that it became very painful. Someone had more such situations in life, someone had less, and everyone has their own story on this matter. As a result, we, as a rule, experience a very unpleasant feeling, which is called resentment, and very often it lives inside us for many years, poisoning life very much. This strong and destructive emotion, with prolonged exposure to the body, can cause significant harm to health, up to malignant neoplasms. From the point of view of energy interactions, resentment on a subconscious level is a hidden death wish for the offender, which will certainly return and eventually transform into problems in various areas of life.

That is why it is very important to learn to forgive, to get rid of the negative that happened in life and thereby make room for both positive emotions and feelings, and for joyful events in life.

Representatives of various religions, as well as numerous psychologists and teachers, speak about the importance of forgiveness. They all agree on one thing - if the offender appeared in a person's life, then this does not happen just like that, undeservedly. This means that for some reason we need to go through this difficult and painful lesson, learn to love regardless of the circumstances, learn to forgive and change something in ourselves. For example, often when women are offended by their close men, this is a sign that a woman does not love herself enough, or is so immersed in caring for others that she completely loses her true self, or she experiences subconscious, that is, implicit, aggression towards a man. Below I suggest you get acquainted with the various techniques so that you can choose the one that is right for you. It is worth mentioning that forgiveness is not an easy job, almost always you have to relive the pain that was once experienced, it is not always possible to immediately let go and forgive, but the result that you achieve by freeing yourself from this burden is worth it. You will feel freer and lighter, and life will sparkle with new colors. If there is no resentment within us, then a place is made in the heart for the creative energy of love, a person, as it were, radiates from within, and this becomes noticeable to the naked eye. If we know how to accept and forgive, then both people and ourselves become much more comfortable and joyful with ourselves.

Before you start using any method, I recommend that you take the following steps. The first is to try to understand that no matter how painful and hard it may be for us, there is something to learn in the current situation, and even if we cannot understand this yet because of strong emotions and the feeling that we were treated unfairly, that this happened with us there is a deep meaning and the opportunity to become better and qualitatively change something in your life through overcoming the test. Secondly, try to remember all those with whom you have been offended and are still offended, make a list for yourself and single out among them those with whom the strongest emotions are associated. Thus, you will have two groups of people, but choose who to forgive first for yourself: it’s easier for someone to first get rid of minor grievances and then move on to strong and painful ones, for someone vice versa.

Method one. Prayer.

This tool is especially suitable for those who are close to any religion. In each of them there are prayers that can help to cope with resentment, there are saints who can be turned to for help.

Regardless of whether you belong to any religious denomination, in a temple or at home, you can simply imagine the offender in your mind and say the following words repeatedly:

With gratitude, love and God's help, I forgive you (name) and accept you completely and completely. I ask your forgiveness for hurting you with my thoughts or actions and I ask (Name) to forgive me for negative emotions, thoughts and actions towards you.

Method two. Forgiveness Meditation by renowned author Louise Hay.

Find a comfortable place where no one will disturb you. Close your eyes, if you want, you can turn on soft pleasant music, light scented candles. Relax completely, from the top of your head to your toes, try not to be distracted by extraneous thoughts and completely immerse yourself in yourself and your feelings. After you have completely relaxed, imagine that you are in a darkened theater hall. There is a small stage in front of you. You see on this stage the person who hurt you. This person may be alive or dead, and your hatred may be both in the past and in the present.

When you clearly see this person, imagine that something good is happening to him, something that is of great importance to this person. Imagine him smiling and happy. Hold this image in your mind for a few minutes and then let it disappear. Then, when the person you want to forgive leaves the stage, put yourself there. Imagine that only good things happen to you. Imagine yourself happy and smiling. And know that there is enough goodness in the universe for all of us.

This exercise dissolves the dark clouds of accumulated resentment. Some will find this exercise very difficult. Each time you make it, you can draw in the imagination of different people. Do this exercise once a day for a month and see how much easier life becomes for you.

Method three. Methodology "Forgiveness Meditation" by A. Sviyash.

Choose a person in relation to whom you will work with the thought form of your negative experiences. For example, let it be your father.

Start mentally repeating the phrase several times in a row:

With love and gratitude, I forgive my father and accept him as God created him (or: and accept him as he is). I apologize to my father for my negative thoughts, emotions and actions towards him. My father forgives me for my thoughts, emotions and actions towards him.

This formula works most effectively for erasing negative emotions in relation to living people with whom you periodically meet and experience discomfort, but can also be used for dead people. The same form is used when working with events, any phenomena, and even with Life.

With love and gratitude, I forgive my Life and accept it in all manifestations as God created it (or: and accept it as it is). I ask forgiveness from my Life for my negative thoughts, emotions and actions in relation to it. My Life forgives me for my thoughts, emotions and actions in relation to it.

This technique should be performed for each person for whom you experienced negative emotions for at least 3-4 hours in total. And for those whom you barely remember, you can get by with 20-40 minutes. When you feel warmth in the center of your chest, in most cases this will mean that you have no negative emotions left in your body in relation to this person. And try to remember all the people with whom you could have had any negative experiences.

Method four. Technique of Forgiveness by Margarita Murakhovskaya.

Imagine that you are walking down a country road. Around the flower meadow. The road divides a vast field strewn with beautiful wildflowers. You hear the buzzing of insects, the singing of the lark in the high sky. You breathe easily and calmly. You slowly move along the road. A person is walking towards you. And the closer he gets to you, the more you begin to understand that this is your father. This is your dad, only in his youth. You come up to him, take his hands and say: “Hello, daddy. Please forgive me for not being the way you wanted me to be. Thank you for everything, for what was and what was not. Daddy, I love you very much. I forgive you for everything. I forgive you for not being there when I missed you so much. I forgive you. You owe me nothing. You are free". You begin to notice how your father is turning into a small child. He is about 3 years old. You look at this baby, and you want to take him in your arms, hug him gently to yourself and say: “I love you. I love you very much". A small child turns into a tiny one, it fits in the palm of your hand. You place it with tenderness and love in your heart, in your soul. Where he feels comfortable and at ease. You take a deep breath in and out and move on. A person is walking towards you. And the closer he approaches you, the more you begin to understand that this is your mother, only in your youth. She is now as old as she gave birth to you. You come up to her and take her hands and say: Hello, mommy. Forgive me, please, for everything, for hurting you sometimes. Sorry for not living up to your expectations. And I forgive you for everything. For what was and what was not. I'm sorry that when I needed your support so much, you were not there. “I forgive you with love. Now you are free. Thank you for everything, for the fact that thanks to you I was born. Thank you for your tenderness and care.” You begin to notice how your mother is turning into a little girl of 3 years old. She is standing in front of you. You take her in your arms, press her gently to you and say: “I love you very much. You are the closest and dearest." It becomes so tiny that it fits in the palm of your hand. You place it in your heart, in your soul. Where she will be warm and comfortable.

You take a deep breath in and out and move on. In the distance you see the figure of a man. And the closer you get, the more you begin to understand that it is you. You look at yourself and say, “Well, hello. Please forgive me for everything. For always appreciating you. I really love you very much. You are the closest and dearest person to me." You begin to notice how the person in front of you becomes a three-year-old toddler. You take him in your arms, hug him to you, say: "You know, I love you, I love you very much." This wonderful baby becomes very small, it fits in your palm. You place it in your heart, in your soul, in your inner world.

Now your inner child, inner parent, inner adult is with you. These parts help you live and function effectively. You are walking down the country road again. You breathe easily and freely. You have peace of mind. And now everything in your life will be different, because you are different. You are filled with self-love and your parts are in harmony. Take a deep breath in and out and open your eyes. After you have established contact with yourself, you can work on forgiving other people according to the same scheme.

Method five. Forgiveness technique S. Gawain.

Step 1. Forgiveness and liberation of others.

Write on a piece of paper the names of all the people who you think have ever hurt you, done you wrong and unfairly. Or (and) those in relation to whom you still feel (or have experienced before) indignation, anger and other negative feelings. Next to each person's name, write what they did to you. And why are you offended by him. Then close your eyes, relax and visualize or imagine each person one by one. Have a short conversation with each of them and explain to him or her that in the past you felt anger or resentment towards him (her), but now you intend to do everything in your power to forgive them for everything. Give them your blessing and say, “I forgive you and release you. Go your own way and be happy."

When you are done with this process, write "Now I forgive and release you all" on your piece of paper and throw it away or burn it as a token that you are free from these past experiences.

The great advantage of the technique proposed by S. Gawain is that you forgive not only others, but also yourself. That is, you get rid of not only anger and resentment, but also guilt and the shame associated with it.

Step 2: Forgive and free yourself.

Now write down the names of all those whom you think you have ever hurt or wronged. Write down exactly what you did with each of them. And then close your eyes again, relax and imagine each of these people in turn. Tell him or her what you did and ask them to forgive you for it and give you their blessing. Then imagine them doing it - i.e. forgiving you.

When you're done, write down or across your piece of paper, "I forgive myself and take all the blame here, now, and forever!" Then tear up the paper and throw it away (or burn it again).

Method six. "Three-Step Exercise for Writing a Healing Letter" by E. Basse and L. Davis.

This technique gives a person the opportunity to experience support and approval, regardless of the reaction of the subject who offended him (her).

First letter.

The work begins with you writing your first letter to the abuser, in which you describe in some detail the details of the abuse, your feelings about the abuse (also in great detail), how it all affected your life. This letter may well contain demands for certain forms of retribution and/or apologies that you deem appropriate for your abuser.

Second letter.

After that, you write a second letter - the one that you think the offender could write or actually write to you if he had such an opportunity. It may state what the offender said to you during that very, memorable situation of insult. That is, it should contain the answer that you are generally afraid of.

The third and most important letter.

And now you have to write a letter in which you state the answer that you need. This is, of course, an imaginary response from the person who offended you. An answer that he could write if he wanted to take responsibility for the insult and express his regrets and remorse for what he had done. In other words, the third letter is the one that you need most of all: the letter that you, alas, have not received and are unlikely to ever receive. Therefore, it is the writing of the third letter that can become an important stage in your release, since in it you can express (and receive) the apologies, feelings of support and regret that you so lacking.

Healing letters are most effective in all those cases when the person who caused the insult is out of physical reach - for any reason (for example, due to his death). In this case, the letters, as it were, complete the external and internal conflict with those who refused or did not have time to take responsibility for the insult.

Method seven. Emotionally corrective experience (by J. Rainwater).

Write down the episode that disturbed or offended you in the form of a short story written in the present tense and in the first person. Restore all the events as accurately as possible (unless, of course, they have become a serious psychological trauma for you). Restore all dialogues and describe your feelings.

Now rewrite history the way you would like it to happen. Slap the offender, go towards the pursuer and defeat him. At least somehow, but take revenge on the tormentor. Or love the person you hate.

Do whatever you want. Create new dialogues. Describe your other feelings. And come up with your own ending and denouement.